Today is gloomy

I uh, am having quite the pity week. I KNOOOOOOOOOOOWAH its pathetic but I have my reasons and excuses some of which I will list so you can pick one: 

1. Im a girl
2. Im having lots of lonely thoughts
3. Im Allyssa 
4. Stupid love songs and lifetime movies
5. I have toooo much time and not enought patience
6. Im looking at it all the wrong way ( trust me I KNOW I am)

WELLL thats a good list I think, I enjoyed it...mostly.....
So my life is great I truly am blessed and I know it, so im gonna have serious guilt for whinnnnnning its already creepin up....But I cant HELP but see all these wonderfully happy, high as can be, stupidly in love ,dorky couples. Im soooooooooooo jealous. I wish I knew what they have is real, but I KNOW deep down its not.  I like to pretend im convincing myself ,THAT im CONVINCING myself I dont believe  in fairytales. And I dont but I want tooooooooo. Oh how I wish,hope,cry, and pray they were real, I wish he was real, I wish this "eternal bliss" was realistic for me.Growing up ive ALWAYS been a princess, it comes with the territory. But being 22, and living the life ive lived, having made the choices ive made and the consequences ive faced, I know im not really a princess. shocker right? and yes it does quite depress me :'(
but sometimes the truth hurts and we have to grow up, right? RIGHT. Its hard not to look around the world and say " Why me?" or " Why not me?" I think the worse part is (i know i should be asking why it shouldnt matter) I KNOW why, and I HATE why but Im the only one who has the power to change it, but its a battle each and every second of my day.  Its so hard. Which means it must be worth it, because my mom always says" Anything easy isnt worth it, thats why the hard stuff is hard, its worth it" and i believe her, i know shes right, ive felt that before.  What a beautiful feeling that is.  But often I wonder, if that would make him appear faster? Because if the plan is for him to not come anytime soon, then it doesnt change anything, I guess I should always be ready though, right???? As much as I want the answer, I dont. Im so scared of the answer. Im so scared of him.  Im so scared of what he would mean. BUT I want him so much, if only he is the fairytale. but wait....the fairytale isnt real, remember? oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaah I remember EVERYDAY I remember. Every hand held, slow song, "with my hubby" text, single status on fb (lol) reminds me. I wish I didnt want him, I wish I could careless, It would be so much easier, because its such a painful thing.  I guess I'll keep living what im living, trying to make it all better and in the meantime, pushing it down. YES it creeps up everyonce in awhile like today but mostly i try to shove it down deep inside and chokehold it.  Soooo for a few moments all is well :D

I think thats enough emotional vommit for awhile gah, grr at me, oh well. No one is hear to listen so this blog will have to do. Im starting to feel better already.......